The summer I took a pause. I fully embraced the in-between.
I’m talking about letting weeds grow where I thought I needed to rush to finish the landscaping because I still don’t know what I want the landscaping to be. Buying the “on-trend” monochromatic shorts and tank outfit even though I’m not fully sure it’s my look (and I’m also not sure my legs are where I want them to be). Even starting a passion project without knowing where or what the next steps will be.
And I really let myself be okay with it all.
Honestly, for most of my life, child and adult, the in-between was my form of a horror movie. One I was adamant about avoiding.
It either was or wasn’t. The infamous black-and-white that most people live consumed in. I broke up with the all-or-nothing that I allowed to dictate my life, and embraced the in-between.
I’m not going to lie, going into it, I had high hopes and yet low expectations. I definitely thought living the in-between was just a big reminder of everything I wasn’t.
That I didn’t have the money to do xyz.
That I didn’t have the body I had hoped I would.
That my home wasn’t “finished.”
That my home was slightly out of control.
That my subpar parenting was showcasing itself.
That I still had moments of questioning my faith.
That I was almost 40 and really didn’t know what I was doing with my life or what I wanted.
I thought sitting in the space between where I started and where I hoped to go would just spotlight everything I still wanted to fix. That’s the part nobody tells you before a season like this. You go in bracing for confirmation of your worst thoughts about yourself.
AND YET, I committed to the process. I committed to actually living in this space instead of rushing toward another one. And shocker, it created the exact opposite of what I thought it would.
As cliché as it might sound, the present holds all the things I had been chasing in the not yet. SERIOUSLY, I didn’t know just how beautiful the in-between was until I stopped skipping it. To not just witness your life (aka, going through the motions) but actually participate in it. Even the messes and hard parts. Even the things you’d never pick again, THERE IS SO MUCH TO UNCOVER HERE. Maybe especially here.
Instead of closing off to it, I got curious. And WOW, did I learn some things I never would or could have any other way.
I’m telling you, you can learn a lot about yourself by living in the not yet of having the body you prefer. In the not yet of healing. In the not yet of God’s plan. In the not yet of figuring out this whole raising-humans thing.
Which brings me back to the hill I will die on: curiosity may be the great healer we all need. I promise, getting curious will change you. Maybe even heal you in the best possible ways. Not because curiosity holds magical powers, but because it allows you to see it differently.
It opens you up to the possibility that you have OPTIONS. The curiosity to see it differently. To think about it differently. To show up in WONDER, not judgment, and out of that flows the ability to choose how you want to show up.
Even my anger, anxiety, and urge to plow through an entire chip bag morphed into something different the second I got curious about them instead of attempting to “manage them.”
That’s the thing I love most about curiosity. It allows you to break up with the view of your life, of you as a project. Because you’re really not a project. Projects are full of timelines, of expectations, of perfect steps. Life is more like a garden. It’s built on seasons, not timelines.
So here are some realizations I had from a summer of pausing and getting relentlessly curious:
thoughts on my BODY
Everything I think is a problem is really just information helping me to understand and care for it in the way it needs (not the way someone else told me it needs).
My body thrives in a hard workout.
You can love yourself and still desire to change (I think this is the ultimate goal of life, in all areas).
Getting dressed in things that made me feel good became a nutrient to my body, not just a vanity project.
The number on the tag has never once been the thing that made me feel good in an outfit.
thoughts on FAMILY
My kids’ behaviors, actions, attitudes, even choice of friends are often a reflection of something in me. Not always. But more often than I want to admit.
Fun reduced our chore load. I know that sounds backward, but it’s true. We cut chore time in half by getting out and living instead of staying home to manage the mess.
The areas the kids drove me crazy were really more about my growth than they were about them.
My kids are much more engaged when I’m growing in front of them rather than “pretending” I have it all figured out.
thoughts on my FAITH
God loves hard questions, and he’s here for them. He met me in every single one of them.
My anger around church and my faith wasn’t really about God; it was the limited opportunities I allowed myself to grow and “test” my faith in what God had for me.
Being worried about how others perceive you is literally the antidote to faith.
thoughts on my STYLE
My style doesn’t have a label, and I’m perfectly content with that.
Everything is fixable. If you don’t like the color, you can try something different.
Most of the time, I already have what I want, or at least pieces of it. You’d be surprised what you can find when you stop waiting and start looking.
thoughts on RELATIONSHIPS
Connecting without worrying about what will be or what could be is truly medicine for the soul.
There is no orgasm like a connected one in every sense of the word.
Fighting rarely changes things, and it doesn’t actually make me feel better.
When’s the last time you were genuinely curious? Not only in the in-between, but especially then.
Let this be a little nudge to let yourself get curious.
Wear the thing you bought that you haven’t worn, just to see how it feels.
Let the messy room stay messy for one more day and actually ask what it might be telling you.
Ask your kid (or spouse) one honest question and just listen to the answer instead of rushing to fix it.
Sit with the doubt for a day instead of rushing to resolve it.
Start the thing you don’t have a full plan for yet and trust it will come.
Dream… just a little about that deep desire you’ve suppressed.
Go for a walk instead of eating the chip bag, just to see if you’re hungry or if you’re bored.
And to be clear, the difference between questioning and curiosity is your intent to experiment (ACTION). I recommend you refrain from interrogating your problems; instead, open up to see them differently, then try it on.
life redirect..
All of that to say, I’ve made some changes here. Really, to all of it (The Living Well + Nourished Planner). And if I’m honest, I feel embarrassed about it. My old story of being FLAKY rears its head and is like… this again? MAKE UP YOUR MIND ALREADY!
At the same time, I share this all because I think this is the beauty and purpose of life. There are way too many people showcasing a life of having it all together. Our world is filled with people claiming to have arrived. But do they? Do any of us? Aren’t we always learning, growing, and becoming, even if, and maybe especially when, we “arrive”?
Which is exactly what this space is designed to be. Not a destination, not more knowledge, but a showcase of the journey, of my process. A look into my own particular life. My diary of not living for, but living from.
And a deep curiosity for things I’m experimenting with… including coming into my style, a journey through my personal relationships, health experiments, thoughts on faith, and also a place to hold space for conversations we all want to talk about but don’t.
Upcoming posts brewing:
REAL TALK: Can we bring back the love of aging??
How I Maximize The Food I Buy + Thoughts on Feeding Teenagers
What nude sunbathing taught me about my style.
REAL TALK: How do we feel about ‘everyone’ suddenly being skinny??
And because I can’t, nor want to, do this alone anymore, over on The Living Well, we’re FINALLY building it out as was originally intended (a collective) of voices dedicated to helping you grow in health, relationships, faith, and live a well-nourished life.
And yes, the podcast IS COMING BACK!
I hope you like it here!
xx-
Alexa
"I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious." — Albert Einstein